Becoming More Assertive

What is assertiveness?

Assertiveness is communicating and behaving in ways that directly advocate for one’s own wants, needs, positions, and/or concerns. Assertiveness occupies the space between more extreme positions of passiveness or aggression.

Think of assertiveness as a learned skill rather than as a personality trait. Of course, personality does influence our behavior. For example, traits like high agreeableness or low extravertedness could make assertive communication and behavior more difficult, while traits like high extravertedness or low agreeableness could enable assertiveness. But regardless of personality traits, anyone can improve their ability to speak and act more assertively.

Limiting Beliefs

It is difficult to assert yourself while making a negative automatic assumptions about what will happen if you do. Here are a few examples of common limiting beliefs that could prevent someone from being assertive:

• If I say what I really think it will permanently damage the relationship.

• Holding my ground will just cause tension and it’s not worth it.

• Bringing up this issue will cause more problems than it will solve.

• If I say “No” then people will be angry with me.

  
  

Of course, sometimes our beliefs are reasonable and based in reality. For example, it could be true that raising an issue would cause more problems than it would solve. The challenge is when we are unaware of how our underlying beliefs are influencing our words and actions. These questions can help us develop our awareness of these beliefs:

1.    What do I automatically assume will happen if I assert myself in this situation?

2.    What drives this assumption? Where does it come from?

3.    Do I believe my assumption is reasonable, or would it be prudent to adjust my thinking?

Assertiveness, power, and relationship.

When deciding how strongly and persistently to assert ourselves, it is essential to consider our own power, the power of others around us, and the need or desire to preserve relationships. Assertiveness isn’t one way, and two or more parties may be simultaneously advocating for their own differing wants, needs, positions, and concerns.

When we are in a position of responsibility, such as a leadership role, it can be an important part of our job to be assertive. This may include making difficult decisions, initiating conversations about accountability, and articulating clear roles and expectations. It is common and understandable for people to be uncomfortable with the power of their position. However, it is important for leaders to be skilled at asserting themselves while also engaging with the needs of those they lead.

Using assertive language

Start by paying attention to how you speak (reading your emails or other written communications can be a great starting place). How often are you using softening language vs. assertive language? Softening language isn’t necessarily good or bad. It’s a useful skill and has its utility. But when we mean to be assertive, softening language can get in the way. Here are a few of the ways we soften our language.

Minimizing words - just, only, kind of, sort of, maybe, possibly

Indirect requests - “It would be nice to have…” vs. “Can you please get me the…?”

Hedging - “This might be wrong, but…” or “This might not make sense, but…”

Questions instead of statements - “Could you maybe…” vs. “Please…”

Over-apologizing - “Sorry to bother you…”, “I apologize, but can I just say something?”

Passive Voice - “It was decided…” vs “I/We decided.”

Here are a few examples of how these might show up in our communications:

Softened	Assertive
“Sorry, can I just say something real quick? The timeline is maybe a bit tight, but I don't know, what do you think?" “I’m curious if you think we should reconsider our approach? Maybe there are some other options, I’m not sure.” “Hey, no pressure at all, but if you could review this when you get the chance that would be great. But again, no pressure. Just let me know.”	“I’m concerned about the proposed timeline. We’re going to need an extra week to get this across the finish line.” “This approach hasn’t been delivering the results we need. I think we should consider other options, such as…” “I need another set of eyes on this to get it across the finish line. Can you take a look and get me some notes by the end of the day Thursday?”

Practice assertive actions.

Assertiveness isn’t just about how we speak. It’s also about how we behave. Here are a few assertive actions you can take:

• Initiate. Practice going first when it’s hard to go first. For example, initiate a conversation about a problem or opportunity that you see. To project a tone of assertiveness, focus on possible solutions, not just on highlighting the problem.

• Set boundaries. Setting boundaries means letting others know how you will respond to their actions. Your response needs to be something you can control. For example: “If you continue to talk over me I won’t continue this conversation.”

• Ask for what you need. It can feel awkward to ask others for what you need, but it can be done professionally and directly  

• Holding your position. While there is such a thing as being stubborn, openly holding your position in the face of some resistance is an important tool of assertiveness. It often includes a commitment to continued engagement. For example: “I understand where you’re coming from. I still think this is the best option and I’d like to discuss it further.”

How can I become more assertive?

There are many ways to work on becoming more assertive:

• Intentional effort: Spend intentional time and effort on learning, practicing, asking for feedback, and becoming more self-aware.

• Mentorship: Find a trusted partnership and share your goals with someone who is willing to help you through thought partnering, advice, feedback, and follow up.

• Engage a professional: Consider working with a coach, counselor, or therapist to help you grow your self-awareness, navigate obstacles, and develop new ways of showing up.

• Be patient: Time and experience are great teachers. Give yourself a fair chance to develop and become more confident with experience.

• Education: Attend workshops, listen to experts, and read relevant books.